I remember the very first time I had a panic attack. I was in my early twenties and was heading out to a club with some friends when all of a sudden, I thought I was having a heart attack. I insisted that my friend bring me back home. I didn’t know if I should call an ambulance or not but eventually I felt better and thought it was just an upset stomach.

I didn’t know what was happening and was pretty scared at the time. Little did I know that this was the beginning of what the rest of my life would be like. This wasn’t a one-time thing.

The attacks started happening more frequently and my friends started to get frustrated with me. Every time we started going out somewhere, I would suddenly feel sick to my stomach, my body would start shaking and I felt like I was overheating. Slowly my relationships with friends started to dwindle and I started spending more and more time alone in my apartment.

After a few years of suffering through this and being told by multiple doctors that they couldn’t find anything wrong with me, I started going to the public library (we didn’t have Internet yet ) to see if I could figure out what the heck was happening to me. It wasn’t nearly as easy then to research as it is today but I was determined to find out what it was.

After researching many possibilities of what was going on in my body, I finally found the reason … Agoraphobia. I read everything I could about it and it explained all of my symptoms. The problem then was to find a doctor that would work with me to figure this out and what I could do about it. Thank goodness for our beloved family doctor at the time. Although he knew very little about it, he did do his research himself and confirmed that I was having panic attacks. He even found me a support group that I could go to.

Of course, going to a new place with unknown people was not that easy but I persevered and was so happy to hear other people talking about their experiences and how it was affecting their lives. I don’t mean I was happy for them… I mean I was happy to hear that I wasn’t the only one. That was the first time I realized I wasn’t alone.

It turns out it wasn’t really my body that was falling apart, it was my brain (so to speak). Agoraphobia/Panic Attacks/Anxiety Disorder all stem from the brains unusual reaction to an impending event, whether good or bad. For some unknown reason, the brain sends a message to your body that it needs to be afraid and your body responds by raising your heart rate & body temperature and other unpleasant feelings occur. For me, I get extremely nauseous, on top of the racing heart and sweating profusely. And then (warning, not for the squeamish) I start vomiting and having diarrhea. I always feel like I will pass out but that hasn’t happened, thankfully.

I spent many years suffering in silence. I didn’t tell people. Why? Because I had a “mental illness” and the stigma that goes along with it was something I didn’t want to deal with. I preferred to be the bad friend who never wanted to do anything rather than tell them I had a mental illness.

Fast forward 20 years or so (I’m married and have a child at that time) and I found a new doctor who was aware of panic attacks and she got me on a medication that was meant to retrain my brain for it not to be so afraid. I will be forever thankful to her for that as it greatly improved my quality of life. I wasn’t “normal” but at least I could do more things than I have done in the past. I still had panic attacks but they weren’t as intense as they used to be or as often. For those moments, my doctor provided me with a prescription tranquilizer to take the edge off.

And with this brain-training medication (as I call it), I was able to go to my daughter’s horse shows. Being around the horses I felt safe which eased my brain long enough to let me actually enjoy it. However, it wasn’t like that every day. Just leaving the house to go to a horse show was hard for me sometimes. However, if I did make it there, I was usually fine. Not sure why. You’d have to ask my brain LOL

In the early years of her riding, I found that if I was too close to my daughter before she competed, it seemed to make her tense and perhaps more nervous. One thing I have never wanted for her is to be anxious like me. So I got myself a camera and would go sit by the side of the ring and let her coach handle any jitters while I waited for her to begin her round. As soon as I would put the camera to my eye, I was somehow able block out what was happening around me and I could just enjoy watching my daughter ride and concentrate on getting the best shots that I could. There was no nervousness or anxiety. My focus was on photographing so my brain didn’t have time to think about anything else. It made me feel somewhat normal, mentally speaking.

It wasn’t long before other riders at the show would either ask if I got any photos of them or would ask for me to please take some photos of them. I was thrilled and I started going to the shows even when my daughter wasn’t riding to practice my photography on some very willing participants. I was hooked, big time! And thus, Life With Horses Photography was born.

Photography has also gotten me out of the house a lot more in search of other subjects to shoot. I could drive around alone for hours looking for birds, landscapes and other appealing sights to get shots of and I wouldn’t have any panic attacks. If I did have one, I could always drive myself home. There wasn’t anyone to disappoint by having to cut short an excursion. It was just me and my camera. However, if I had someone with me or was with someone else, that would be a totally different story.

My camera goes everywhere with me. I guess you could say it’s kind of like my security blanket. When I have my camera, I feel excited to see if there is anything I can create a photo of. I see the beauty in almost everything and can envision how a shot of the subject would look up on a wall. It’s hard to explain but I feel good inside every time I hear the click of the shutter on my camera. When I am captivated by my subject and concentrating on capturing the right shot, I feel good inside. That feeling wards off the evil “panic” that my brain perceives of the situation.

It took me years to realize how much photography has helped me overcome the debilitating panic attacks that I have. I always thought it was just the horses that made me feel ‘good’ but I had an epiphany one day that it was being behind the camera and creating memories… that’s what was making me feel really good.

However, that doesn’t mean that it was smooth sailing, cuz it wasn’t. One of the services I wanted to offer clients early on was ‘photo shoots with their horses’. Unfortunately, I was too scared that I might have panic attacks driving outside my comfort area. I knew my photos that I create from a shoot were good but it was getting there and being with strangers that had my brain going into overdrive. It took many years for me to offer shoots aside from at the barn where my daughter rode with people I saw on a regular basis.

When I did start offering them, I quickly realized that once I am there and shooting, I totally forget that my tummy feels yucky. Having the camera up to my eye seems to make it all go away.

Then COVID hit and everything began to change. There were no shows to shoot and we weren’t allowed to go do personal photos shoots. For myself, as a small business owner, no shows or shoots means no income. The pandemic also brought bad news every day in the news reports and meant that we were quarantined in our homes. For someone with anxiety attacks, staying home so much wasn’t a problem. It was everything else that I would stress about during those quarantine days.

When restrictions started to relax and we were allowed to be out in public, my brain determined that something must be wrong and the panic attacks returned. I pretty much had to start from scratch to get back to doing my normal routine of going to horse shows and doing photo shoots. However, nothing was the same. There were too many restrictions and small businesses were taking a big hit, including my business and my husband’s business. It was the perfect time to think about the future and we were positive we didn’t want to stay where we were. So, we made the move to New Brunswick and it was wonderful. At first.

As a photographer, I was in love with every aspect of the Maritime provinces and the way of life. However, it was a huge change which my anxiety brain didn’t like. For the drive across the country, I had to drug myself to avoid attacks while my daughter did all the driving. When we got here, I had to continue using medications to not be anxious during a regular day. I managed to go out on my own to shoot some of the province’s beauty. Then one day I went on a little road trip with my hubby, daughter and son-in-law and was about a hour away from home when all of a sudden, a massive panic attack hit out of the blue. I thought I was doing fine so it hit me hard. Thankfully we knew people who lived near by and they let me lie on their bathroom floor while I waited for my additional meds and Gravol to take effect.

That attack took it’s toll on me both physically and mentally. I was angry that I couldn’t go anywhere with anyone again. It’s like my brain reverted back decades to when my attacks were at their worst. It was a terrible feeling and my mood reflected how crappy I felt about it all happening again. I stayed home for a long time but was missing taking photos. So eventually I picked up my camera again and started doing short trips, on my own.

Having Panic Disorder/Anxiety Attacks SUCKS!!!! Lots of people have anxiety before special events; having to board an airplane; or something like that but to have attacks before going to the grocery store, or something that most people can do without even thinking about it, takes it’s toll on your happiness and your life in general. I have found that if you have something to focus on, it does help so thank goodness I have photography to get me out and about and enjoying life, somewhat.

In 2024, I finally got a regular family doctor here in New Brunswick and he and his team are trying to help me with my panic attacks. We are trying a different regime of medications and it is slowly working. Until I got on their program, I was again having to take tranquilizers just to leave the house. Now I can get out on my own if it isn’t too far away. The further I have to go, the more my brain starts overthinking but I am slowly able to go further and further each time on my own, without taking any tranquilizers, because I know I can turn around and go home if need be.

Unfortunately, I still have trouble going out with anyone.  If hubby wants me to go for a drive to drop something off, my brain instantly starts racing and wondering “what if I have an attack…”. I try to tell my brain that there is nothing to be afraid of but it usually has other thoughts in mind. I also don’t want to have to tell hubby that we have to turn around. I can see the disappointment in his eyes (or whomever I’m with) and I hate being the reason for the disappointment. I do take my camera with me everywhere and try to look for things to photograph but again, my brain tries to ruin my fun every time.

Also, going to any place where I “have” to be there is hard. Things like going to a scheduled appointment are hard without extra meds. I can’t ditch or leave the appointment and I can’t rebook at the last minute. I’m stuck. I have to go but I am afraid so I take my extra meds to make it through. That fear takes over and it’s very hard to shut it off. Again, I have my camera with me and try to spot something I may want to shoot on my way to the appointment which helps me to think of something else besides my fear.

It’s going to take lots of time and practice but I hope one day to be able to do ‘normal’ things without extra medications. And of course, my camera will be with me every step of the way.

Update: Well, the new regime of meds didn’t do what we had hoped. I thought it was working and then one day, while taking my hubby to work (something I have done tons of times), I had a full blown attack. We got to his work early so no one else was there, thankfully. I sat on the floor of the bathroom in their office and waited for my extra meds to take effect. When I felt a bit better, I drove myself home. By the time I got there, I felt fine… tired, but fine otherwise. So, I am back to taking my regular daily meds and using extra meds when I have to go out with anyone or go to any place unfamiliar. I guess having this mental illness for over 40 years, my brain refuses to get better. Can’t teach an old dog new tricks, I guess 🙂  It’s discouraging but thankfully my medical team understands and is supportive. 

Writing this bio of my journey with anxiety has given me another tool to cope with my panic attacks. As I wrote it I saw just how things have changed in my life, how those changes have affected my quality of life, and how my passion for photography and my love of horses has helped me cope. I have a feeling that if I didn’t have photography and horses (and my family, of course), my life would be so much worse and I would probably be in a very different place… a place I am glad I am not in.

Thanks for reading my story.

Janice 💖